12 Tips for Pooping with Smartphones

Look. I know it’s taboo to talk poop. It’s even more taboo to talk about what you do while you poop. But let’s be honest…you know you do it. Yes, everybody poops…but now most of you are doing it with your smartphone. (If you don’t like talking about poop, try this other post I wrote instead.)

I do miss the old days, though. Back when toilet time was just a waiting game. Time to relax and think. Many of mankind’s greatest ideas were birthed on the porcelain throne. It’s an astonishing fact that Smartphones have set back innovation and progress decades, perhaps centuries.

The bathroom used to be Man’s last sanctuary in the home. The one place the noise of the media and the worries of life could not penetrate. The place of great ideas.

No more. The Smartphone has ruined it. Well, mostly. If you have kids, it’s still the last place to at least find a few minutes of quiet. So forgive me if I’m not overly eager to fiber binge so as to minimize my time in the dunny. Besides, let’s be honest, sometimes you need a big move…on Words with Friends and it takes a little while.

In an age obsessed with hyper-productivity and multi-tasking, it’s not surprising we don’t wanna waste these precious moments we’re destined to spend on the can. But here are a few tips to help you navigate the murky waters:

1. Take your phone out of your pocket (or purse) before you get to the toilet. You can also wait til after you sit. But DO NOT reach for it while standing over the toilet. 19% of people drop their cell phones down the toilet.
2. No more smartphoning once you start wiping. That’s one thing that was never supposed to be multi-tasked. Let’s try to keep it sanitary, folks. 16% of cellphones have poop on them. But that’s still cleaner than your remote control or your keyboard (which is dirtier than your toilet seat). We can do better.
3. Don’t Skype. Nobody likes to get Dookie-Rolled.
4. If you must talk on the phone, wrap up the call before you wipe. It’ll help you avoid the awkward toilet flush in the background.
5. No need to “check-in.” Seriously.
6. In general, nobody needs to be privy (online or on-phone) that you’re in the privy. Unless you just wanna test the intimacy levels within your social network.
7. If you really have a need to get chatty on the potty, check out the iPoo social network app. I haven’t tried it. But the link gave me a good laugh.
8. If you’re the anal retentive type, try a data dump into your own PooLog (app).
9. Don’t play games that have endless levels. 30 minutes will go by, your legs will end up asleep and you won’t have wiped yet.
10. Don’t forget that others may be waiting to use the john, too.
11. Don’t let the non-smartphoning poopers get you down. They just aren’t comfortable coming out of the water closet yet.
12. Don’t forget to still find some time each day for some prayer and reflection. Noise and information have permeated every corner of our lives and every idle moment of our day. We are supposed to consume information, not the other way around. Don’t forget that.